


Comrades in Arms

by merlins_sister



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Angst, F/M, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-22
Updated: 2012-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-10 11:30:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/465788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlins_sister/pseuds/merlins_sister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hoshi and Jon find comfort in each others arms when they discover the ones they want don't want them back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Comrades in Arms

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: General Season 3 stuff up to and including Harbinger

It must be the smell of the bourbon that takes me back to the first time we made love. Correction. The first time we had sex. There was nothing about love that first time. It was quick and carnal, our bodies chasing away emotional pain through physical pleasure. Our bodies spread across his desk in his ready room, eyes shut tight as we wished we were with another. But at the same time that picture doesn't do justice to what happened that night. The way two friends came together to help the other through the pain. No. Doesn't do it, or him, justice.

I had been working late that night, as is common here in the Expanse. Yet more database to translate. Some days it seems never ending. And I suppose I was hiding a little. From myself. From the others. There was too much to cope with in life generally, never mind my feelings for a certain engineer. I couldn't cope anymore with hearing the rumours and gossip about him and T'Pol. Now I had tried to tell myself that it was all gossip, but things were happening that I couldn't dismiss. I didn't know if they were in love, but they were together. And that hurt. So I hid myself in my languages and hoped nobody would notice. I should have known he would.

I was not surprised that night to discover that he was still in his ready room at midnight. In the same way that he wasn't surprised to see me at his door at midnight, translation in hand.

"I've finished that section you asked for," I said, handing him the padd in my hand.

"Thank you," he said taking it from me, glancing quickly down it. He looked up at me again. "It could have waited until morning though."

"That's okay," I shrugged. "I hear sleep is for wimps anyway."

He smiled at my joke before turning to put the padd on the desk. "Drink?" he asked. 

I hesitated as he offered me a bourbon. Not my favourite drink in the world, but that night it held an appealing smell for me.

"Thanks," I replied, taking the drink from him and settling into the seat underneath the window.

"So, how are you doing?" he asked.

"Fine, thanks."

"You're still working at midnight, when you're not on the night shift, and you tell me you're fine."

"I could say the same about you," I challenged.

"Sure. But I'm the Captain. It goes with the territory. Especially at the moment."

"You still need your sleep."

"I'll sleep later," he replied before sipping from his drink. 

He then made the comment that caught me by surprise. "Have you heard about Trip and T'Pol? About how their relationship has developed?"

I looked carefully at him, uncertain of what to say. 

"I saw him coming out of her quarters. Which should be innocent enough," he sighed. "But when I saw him a little while later I could smell her all over him. They're lovers now. I can tell."

"You don't know that for sure," I replied, my voice shaking a little as unexpected emotion came to the fore.

"99 percent sure," he replied, before taking another sip of drink. The pain was obvious in his face at the thought of his two friends becoming lovers. "It shouldn't matter," he continued. "I should be pleased they're finding some happiness out here in the darkness. But it doesn't feel like that. I just feel like I've lost her."

I stood up in front of him. "But she gave up her commission to stay with you."

"She gave it up to stay with us," he corrected. "Because she thought we would need her in here. And she's right. We've needed her intelligence time and time again. And she's picked up the emotional mess I've been leaving behind in my wake. Poor old Malcolm. I think her reassurance and loyalty is the only thing keeping him from knocking me on my backside."

"Pity it didn't work with Major Hayes," I replied dryly.

The comment made him smile for a moment, as he lifted his head to look at me. At the sight of me trembling a little at unbidden emotion he bowed his head again. "I'm sorry, Hoshi. I shouldn't be talking to you about this. Not when..."

He was interrupted by me bursting into tears. "Oh Hoshi..." he said as he pulled me into his arms, an old friendship overtaking the command structure.

"I'm sorry," I managed between sobs. "You don't need this as well."

"No. I should be sorry. Of all the people on this ship I should understand how things between you and Trip are still uncertain."

"Not so uncertain anymore," I replied pulling away slightly, trying to wipe my cheeks dry of tears. "I mean, nothing's been said for a long time. I have no hold on him. He's entitled to see who he wants. I just miss him that's all. Ever since Lizzie died. I've barely seen him, and when we do talk it's short, professional. It's like he can't bear to be around me."

"I think you'll find that's far from the truth, Hoshi," Jon replied gently. "I think the problem is that you are still too precious to him for him to put you in danger. If he'd allowed you to stay close he would have been terrified to think of you here. It's the only way he can cope." He paused. "I could probably say the same for me. I've pushed T'Pol, Trip, you, Malcolm... hell the whole crew away."

"Because you've had to," I replied softly. "To become the Captain that we needed."

He nodded dejectedly. "Doesn't make it any easier."

Looking back now I'm not sure what made me lean in and kiss him then. And I don't even think I meant anything by it, apart from affection for an old friend who was hurting as much as me. But his eyes were so dark, his face so forlorn I couldn't resist it. So I did.

He looked at me in surprise. "What's that for?"

"For being you."

And then another kiss.

"What was that one for?" he asked, his voice growing a little husky.

"Because I felt like it," I replied, my own voice growing a little unsteady. I could see that he was thinking the same as me. That we were both currently very vulnerable. We were under incredible stress, people we loved were not returning our feelings in the way we would want them to. Another kiss would be a major mistake. I did it anyway.

"Hoshi..." he managed as he pulled away slightly, though his hands had wandered down my body to places they had never been before. "This is wrong. I would just be using you, our friendship. I'm your Captain."

"You're my friend first. Besides you wouldn't be using me. At worse we would be using each other. What is so wrong in that?"

"Apart from the fact I have managed to alienate most of my friends on this ship and I don't want to lose you as well? It'll be just me and Porthos then."

I managed a smile. "You won't lose me." I ran my hands down his chest. I knew I was using every seductive power in my book. But the kisses had sent tingles off down my body that were demanding to be answered, and as I closed my body in on his I could feel that my lips had done the same to him.

"Jon..." I started. But I didn't get to please, as he gave in to his desires, his lips crushing mine in the hunger of his kiss. The rest of it is a bit of a blur. How we managed to get our clothes off so quickly I still haven't worked out. However, before I could catch my breath we were lying on his desk, our bodies intertwined, our mouths exploring each other as if we'd been starved. Which I suppose both of has had, in a way.

I remember trying not to cry out. The ready room was designed for privacy and confidentiality, but I didn't want to find out what its limits were. I nearly lost it when he plunged inside me, but managed to strangle the cry quick enough. Our climaxes came fast, our fantasies of others perhaps fuelling their speed. I knew at the time we both had our eyes closed. I could sense it. What I didn't realise was that we were also quiet. No names being cried out. And not because of the fear of making a noise, but because it would have been a reminder that the one we wanted wasn't there.

Then, as quickly as it started, it was over. We lay panting for a few moments before Jon lifted himself and looked down at me.

"Shh," I whispered, placing a finger on his lips. "No apologies. We both needed that. You have no need to feel guilty about giving me pleasure."

He looked as if he was about to say something before the look on my face persuaded him otherwise. Instead he settled for the boyish lopsided grin that I loved so much, and had missed since the Xindi attack.

He gently helped me off the desk. We dressed quickly but not in embarrassment. I started slightly though when he came up behind me, before I realised that he was just putting my hair up.

"There you go," he said as he pulled the pony tail tight.

I turned and smiled at him. He leant forward and kissed me on the forehead, an attempt I understood to get us back quickly on a friends footing. 

"Now please, will you go and get some sleep?" he asked

"Aye, sir." I smiled again, which seemed to comfort him. "Goodnight, Jon."

"Goodnight, Hoshi," he replied with his own smile. 

As I reached the door I turned back. For some reason I couldn't go without saying something. 

"Jon, if you need me like that again, you know where to find me." I couldn't quite believe what I was saying, but then I couldn't quite believe the last half an hour had happened either.

He looked surprised but strangely pleased, something I put down to his relief at our friendship being intact still. As I turned away though he said, "Same goes for you, Hoshi. If you need me..."

His voice trailed off. I nodded my understanding, my smile becoming shyer by the moment. And then I left.

**

The second time we had sex was about two weeks later. It was the day when wild rumours about Trip and T'Pol making out in the cargo bay spread around the ship. Malcolm reassured me that it was just a peck good-bye, and they didn't even know anyone was there. He, two MACOs and the Captain should have been on the shuttlepod waiting for Trip. They had come back for something when the incident occurred, much to the embarrassment of both Trip and T'Pol. 

Despite Malcolm's retelling of the story I found myself in my quarters at lunchtime crying my eyes out. I didn't fully understand why. Trip and I had agreed to be just friends a long time ago. But like Jon and his feelings for T'Pol, I just felt like I had lost Trip and I didn't even know why or when. All I knew was that T'Pol gave him something that I couldn't. At the same time, in between my bouts of self pity, my mind wandered to Jon and his feelings. He had been there. He had seen his best friend kiss the woman he loved. And he hadn't been able to go off to his quarters and cry. He had to get on with the mission, and not let anyone know anything was bothering him. I wondered at the time if I would see him later.

He arrived just before midnight. I couldn't sleep so was awake reading a particularly dull Klingon novel in the hope that it would cause my brain to give up on consciousness. As soon as the chime went I knew who was there. He came in, his clothes casual and for once a true reflection of the time of day.

"Crewman Jones walked past as I came in," he said. He smiled. "We'll probably be all over the ship tomorrow."

"All he's seen is an old friend coming in to my quarters. Nothing strange in that."

"Yeah. But look what they did to a simple kiss between Trip and T'Pol." He tapped the desk nervously.

I remained sitting on my bed. I was uncertain if he was here because of my offer two weeks ago, or just to talk. As he leant forward to look at a picture on my shelf, I knew what I hoped. A hunger started to build in my stomach as I watched the sweatpants stretch across his butt. I swallowed hard as I tried to get control of myself. I had offered myself if he needed me, and he had returned the favour. Didn't mean it was going to happen.

He stood up from inspecting the picture and turned to face me. I could see from the slight swell in his pants that my hunger might be fed, but the look on his face still showed uncertainty. For a moment we just looked at each other. Then he said, "This is a bad idea. I should go."

As he turned to leave I said, "My offer stands. If you need me, I'm here. And if it helps, I really need you at the moment."

"I'm just trying to do the right thing," he said softly, unable to look at me. 

I got up to join him, and taking his hand replied, "I know. But how do you know this isn't the right thing. I mean I was sitting here sobbing my heart out over Trip today. But you walked in this evening and suddenly all I want is you."

"I don't want to hurt you," he said quietly.

"I know. I don't want to hurt you. But I don't see why we shouldn't have any pleasure just because two people we care about can't return our feelings." 

When he didn't reply I continued, "You know if I'm the one to do all the persuading I'm going to get really paranoid."

He lifted his head up and smiled. "You are one of the most amazing things in my life, Hoshi. I don't want to ruin that."

"You won't," I replied gently. "Just answer me one question. Do you need me?"

His voice was husky as he replied, "Yes. God, I need you."

I needed no more. Stepping back I dropped my robe to the floor. He paused for a moment, his eyes taking in my body before he stepped forward and pulled me to him.

"Oh God, Hoshi. You are so beautiful," he gasped between kisses. "I want you so badly."

All I could manage was whimpers of pleasure as his hands and lips moved about my body, with the occasional gasp of "Jon..."

He backed me towards the bed, almost throwing me on as we reached its edge. He pulled quickly at his clothes, desperate to get rid of any barriers between us. As he released an already very large erection I leant forward and took it in my mouth. He moaned deeply as I suckled, managing only, "Careful, Hoshi, I'm so close..."

I moved back on to the bed, Jon fast to follow me, spreading his body over mine, his weight a glorious sensation. He ran a hand down my body until it settled between my legs, his fingers gently stroking my pleasure centre until all I could do was pant and cry out his name into his mouth, his lips still locked to mine in a kiss.

And then he fucked me. Hard. I came again quickly, but I think it was barely a blip on his radar, as he kept thrusting, his eyes closed as he chased his own demons away.

When he came it was with a cry of my name. We had at least made progress there. Propped up on his elbows, he lay over me, his body shaking slightly from the exertions, gasping for breath. As he opened his eyes he looked at me carefully for a moment before the shaking in his limbs became shudders, the tears that should have been shed earlier flowing from his eyes. He collapsed onto me, quickly wrapping his limbs tight around me. "I'm sorry," he managed. "So, so sorry."

He didn't need to say anymore. I understood what he was trying to say. He was sorry for crying, sorry for needing to fuck me, sorry for being in love with another, sorry for dragging me into danger, for risking my life every moment of every day. The list could have gone on and on. So I held him, gently cooing reassurances, just as he had two weeks previously, and let him cry his pain away.

When he eventually quietened we moved so we could face each other properly, Jon fussing around me, making sure I was warm and comfortable. I smiled at the attention, but I wanted him to relax so said, "You don't need to be responsible for everything in this room. Here you can relax, let go, let *your* needs be fulfilled." I smiled again. "Of course, some attention to me will be required."

He smiled back. "I think that can be arranged." He paused before continuing, "Do you want this arrangement to carry on?"

I knew what he was getting at. We weren't in love, though we did love each other. A strength that could allow us to be honest. But he was my Captain and my friend. If we didn't handle it right, there was every chance that it would blow up in our faces. Was it worth such a risk?

"Yes," I replied, gently stroking his face. "You?"

"Yes," he replied, before leaning forward and kissing me lightly.

Then we talked. About what had happened today, and what might happen in the future. After a few hours though, as our eyes grew sleepy, he pulled himself out of bed and started to get dressed. "Porthos will be wondering where I am," he said with a relaxed smile.

"Can't have his Daddy stay out all night," I replied.

"At least not yet," he returned. Fully dressed he turned to leave before facing me again. "Hoshi, if we are to continue with this, there is one thing you need to know. About you and Trip."

I sat up, pulling the sheet around me, suddenly nervous of what he might say that would destroy my current sense of calm.

"Whenever Trip has come to me for advice about his feelings for you... when you joined the academy and every time since then... I've always told him to do what he thought was right, but at the same time reminding him of the regulations. If I'd encouraged him..."

"It wouldn't necessarily have meant that we would have acted on our feelings, or that it would have worked," I reassured him.

Jon smiled. "When I told him that I wanted you for communications officer on the Enterprise he asked me if I was trying to kill him, by having you so close at hand, yet untouchable. When I pointed out the alternative was not seeing you for another five years he soon changed his tune. But he's found it difficult balancing everything."

"So have I," I replied gently. "As have you and T'Pol."

Jon nodded his agreement before continuing, "If and when he finds out about us, he's going to hit the roof. We are breaking all the fraternisation rules that he has fought his feelings to obey."

"Rules don't seem so important out here," I replied. 

He nodded again. "That they don't." He smiled again. "Goodnight Hoshi."

"Goodnight Jon," I replied. As the door shut behind him I settled back into my bed, breathing in the smell of Jon's aftershave off the pillow, before I fell asleep to dream of younger days and lives less complicated.

**

Jon and I managed to meet most nights for the next few weeks. We had sex most times, though occasionally we just had a drink and talked. As the weeks progressed I was aware of a shift. The sex and talking became merged, and the motivation of pain seemed to be drifting into the background. Slowly we were changing from friends who had sex to friends who made love. The sessions became slower, longer, and we increasingly fell asleep in each other's arms until the alarm for morning duties rang again.

Rumours were starting to build about us, though we remained discreet in public, but we both knew that soon we would be accepted as a fact. I wasn't sure if that bothered me. I wasn't ashamed of what we were doing, though I know there would be repercussions, and neither was Jon.

One event seemed to crystallise it for me, and accidentally for some of the others. I had been working on a new language we had come across. We thought it might be vital for negotiating with some potential allies, so the order was to get it done as quickly as possible. Hence the fact that I wasn't surprised when Jon called me to the ready room for an update, even though I had just started a few hours previously.

Jon glanced at the padd I had just handed him and nodded. "You think you'll have it done in two days?" he asked.

I nodded confidently. "It's not complex, and builds on a lot of what I've learnt of the Xindi languages already. Shouldn't be a problem."

"Good. Then you've got time for a break."

I don't know what I was expecting at that point. A drink and a chat? An invitation to dinner that evening? I certainly wasn't expecting what he said next.

"Take your clothes off, Ensign."

For some reason I glanced at the door, as if another member of the crew was about to appear there. I turned back to Jon and questioned, "Sir?"

"You heard me. Take your clothes off."

I don't think Jonathan Archer has the capacity to leer, but he was certainly looking very mischievous and pleased with himself. How could I resist?

So, as he leant back in his chair, I stripped for him as slowly and sensuously as I could, considering I was wearing a bulky uniform and boots. Once I was naked he stood in front of me and demanded I did the same for him. I was doing well until I got to his shorts and then the absurdity and thrill of what we were doing hit me. I started to giggle.

"That is not a good reaction for my ego," he said, before he started chuckling too. Pulling me up to kissing height he pulled me in close, his lips covering mine. "Three days without you, Hoshi Sato, is far too many," he breathed as he took his lips down my body. I started to shiver with desire, the giggles dissipating as he got lower down my body. I was just starting to lose control when the comm chirruped. We both started, something that set off my giggles again. Reaching over Jon flicked the comm on. "Archer here." He managed to sound his commanding self even though he currently had a naked Ensign wrapped around him. It was Malcolm confirming some details he needed for a security sweep he was doing. As the conversation dragged on I was struck by a thought. If Jon wanted mischief I could deliver just that. I slowly slid myself down his body until I reached my target. Jon's eyes widened as he realised what I was about to do. With the merest of licks I then took his cock into my mouth, my tongue working around the shaft. And I have to say I admire the man's control. His voice barely wavered, and Malcolm on the other end of the comm shouldn't have noticed the slight change in his tone. I would have been insulted if I couldn't see out of the corner of my eye the way his knuckles were turning white as his grip on the desk tightened.

"Malcolm," managed Jon. "How about we discuss this in more detail in the armoury? I'll be down in about five minutes... make that ten... when I've done Hoshi... I mean when I've finished with Hoshi's update on the translation."

I fell back on to the floor, my hand covering my mouth in an attempt to smother the laughter desperate to burst out. With the comm silent once more he picked me up. "You... " he said, words obviously failing him as amusement at the situation took over. Instead he pulled me towards his chair, sitting down before lifting me on to his lap. I sat facing him, my legs straddling either side of his body. I started to thrust forward so we could build our mutual pleasure. Our breaths shortened as we started to pant at the sensations in our bodies. And then it hit me. How wide open our eyes were. How they shined with pleasure. How they were locked on the other's so we could swim in each other's emotions. It had stopped being about the pain. Now it was about the pleasure, about having fun. That orgasm was particularly sweet.

If Malcolm noticed Jon's Freudian slip, and had added it correctly to the rumours about us, then he said nothing. But then his respect for people's privacy would have probably prevented it anyway. But the events in the ready room seemed to signal a growing awareness of us. Maybe it was the flush on my face as I returned to my station, or the relaxed way Jon made his way down to the armoury. Hell, maybe half the armoury crew overheard Jon's comment. Whatever it was, people reacted to us.

Travis was the first to be open about. As we stood in the turbo lift on the way to the mess hall for lunch a few days later he asked, "Are you sleeping with the Captain?"

I glanced at him before returning my gaze to the door. "Yes," I replied. "Is it a terrible thing?"

"Depends."

I turned to look at him.

"Does it make you happy?"

I smiled. "Yes."

"Then it's just fine," he replied with his own smile, before he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

T'Pol was harder to read, but there was a certain coolness in her manner towards Jon for a few days. Not me though. I thought that was interesting. But she apparently never challenged Jon about it, so had obviously managed to accept it in her own way. What surprised me most was that she didn't tell Trip. Because when he found out we all knew about it.

I had joined the three senior officers for breakfast, my regular slot on the rota, and something that Jon had no intention of changing. I don't know what Jon and I said or did at that meal but something clicked for Trip. He is far more astute than anyone gives him credit for so it could have been something incredibly subtle. But suddenly he knew. And he wasn't happy.

He stormed around the ship like a bear with a sore head for the next few days before I persuaded Jon to talk to him. That was interesting. Persuading him to do that. Been our only real disagreement since we started our relationship. He sat on the edge of my bed, pulling his clothes on, complaining of being the one in the middle again. I pointed out that Trip would not listen to me, and an obvious strain between him and T'Pol showed that he had found out that she knew and hadn't said anything, so she couldn't calm him down. When Jon wouldn't reply I threw myself down on the bed and glared at the ceiling until I was aware that Jon had turned to look at me.

"We have nothing to feel guilty about," I said. "We knew he wouldn't be happy when he found out."

"We've hurt him," Jon said softly, his anger disappearing.

"And however unintentionally, he hurt us."

Jon nodded in reply before settling down, fully dressed, alongside me. "I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"Thank you," I replied before kissing him.

Jon has never gone in to details of what was said in that talk. Something along the lines of Trip accusing Jon of using me, Jon accusing Trip of using T'Pol and also wanting his cake and eating it. The fraternisation rules came up, as we expected, as well as the more paranoid suggestion that Jon had never encouraged Trip to pursue his feelings for me because Jon wanted me for himself. Home truths were thrown on both sides, but fortunately not punches. And things did seem to calm down afterwards. 

The most surprising thing was Trip's efforts to improve our relationship. He would come and sit next to me and talk. I never sensed he was trying to reclaim me. It was clear it was just friendship. Perhaps one of the home truths Jon had told him was how he had abandoned me as a friend since the Xindi attack. I don't know. Bur slowly we slipped back into a pattern of friendship. And it was good.

Our different relationships only came up once. We'd met late to have hot chocolate in the mess. Alone for once we had a chance to talk.

"I'm sorry if I've hurt you," he said. "The whole thing with T'Pol, making you feel like I'd abandoned you."

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. I'm sorry if I hurt you as well. The whole thing with Jon."

He nodded in understanding. "I don't know why these ones hurt more than the other relationships we've had," he said. "It just feels different."

It was my turn to nod in understanding before I continued, "I look back now and can't believe I could have ever asked you to continue the relationship with me once I joined the academy. I didn't appreciate what a tough situation I was putting you in. I just thought you didn't love me enough."

"Oh Hoshi," he replied quietly, taking my hand into his own. "It broke my heart to walk away but if I hadn't you wouldn't have got through your training. We couldn't have hid for all that time. It was never about me and my feelings. I was trying to do what was right."

"And damn you if it didn't just make me love you even more, because I very quickly understood that. Once inside Starfleet and finally understanding how it all worked. By which time you had Natalie..."

"And you had Joachim," he finished for me. "Strange guy," he said thoughtfully.

"Made me laugh," I replied.

Trip smiled before saying in a tone that was obviously anxious, "But we've been good friends, haven't we? Despite our tendency to stumble over how much we're in each other's hearts?"

My hand gripped his tighter. "You have been an amazing friend. Better than I could have ever wished or hoped for. That's why it hurt so much when you pushed me away. I needed you and wanted to be there for you. But instead..."

"I turned to T'Pol," he finished for me again. "Hoshi, I don't even know really how or why it started. But T'Pol gives me something I need at the moment, though don't ask me what."

"Does it make you happy?" I ask, echoing Travis' question to me.

"I think confused is a better description," he replied with a grin. "But for some reason contented."

"I can relate to that," I replied with a smile. "I'm contented too."

"Not confused?" he asked, his grin spreading.

"Only on a bad day," I returned, my own smile spreading.

And that's how we left it.

So now I lie here, the smell of bourbon in the air as Jon pours a little of the drink down my breast until it rests precariously on my erect nipple. He bends his head down, his tongue flicking out to catch the liquid before it falls. I moan deeply before he repeats the action with the other breast making me gasp out loud. As he pulls me towards the now familiar vortex of incoherence and pleasure I manage to hold on to one thought. I now have in my life a kind, loving friend and mentor in the form of Trip. I also have a warm and passionate lover in the form of Jon. Admittedly they are the opposite way round to what I ever thought they would be but curved balls seem the only natural order to the universe nowadays. I have no idea how long Jon and I will last, or Trip and T'Pol for that matter. Months? Years? Decades? But right now it doesn't matter because in this dark time and place, despite everything that we face, I am happy. Who could ask for more than that?


End file.
